Warning - this is not going to be a particularly well-written/witty/elegant post. Just a rant to get things off my chest.
I usually am not proud or particularly happy about good grades. But from studying (withering) away with a cup of hot chocolate with lots of whip in hand, it's nice to see positive results.
In my entire life, I have always been expected to academically excel by my parents, my friends, my professors even, and myself. When my professor handed my midterm and said "you got the top mark: good job, as expected" and two of my friends in the same class (looking at my grade) told me, "I knew it/typical. You're too smart." I really hated them at that moment in time. I remember staring at them blankly for a couple minutes fuming inside before shrugging and moving on. I have friends barely scraping through classes: one finally passed a course he failed twice already; and another one got her first A in university, and not only was she overjoyed, but her parents were ecstatic. My family, my friends, my professors, zilch. Such shade.
I hate the weight of expectation.
Cue: Expectations by Belle & Sebastian. (how great is that song)
And to cut this post short (mainly because I am too lazy to describe how I'm feeling and type anymore), I have just realized I am unhappy. Not depressed, but just unhappy. I can see my friends changing around me, which is inevitable, but importantly it makes me realize I need change. I cling desperately to mending friendships, to this notion that I need to academically perform in order to maintain some sort of 'social' or academic status, which 'defines' who I am (no, I am not suggesting that I should start failing all of my classes). But no. I don't have to. I don't have to do anything. So I'm going to cut the haters out of my life. I'm going to cut people who just don't give an effort, who just make me frustrated and angry.
And as cliché as it is, what made me self-reflect, contemplate and evaluate my life, is Taylor Swift's new album 1989. As she reinvents herself and as she claims she is "starting over." I need to not only #shakeitoff (@thehaters), but I need to start clean, start fresh, and start over.
